Worst Commercials of the Playoffs: Power Rankings

This is self explanatory. Our crop of bad commercials this year is pretty high. This cannot be tolerated without a Rant. I'd post Youtube links, but I don't think you really need to re-watch them, they don't need the advertising dollars, and the hospital doesn't allow Youtube. So let's get right down to it.

Honorable Mention:
Apple's "If You Don't Have An iPhone..."
(From Jon Meerdink) If you don't own an iPhone, you probably aren't a pretentious d-bag who won't shut up about your iPhone. Worrrrd.

#3: The Fast Five Movie Trailer

The Rock: Urf. I have muscles.
Vin Diesel: Humph. I'm Vin Diesel. I have a deep voice AND muscles, and I'm CLEARLY not overcompensating for anything.
The Rock: Don't let them get into cars! These are professionally bad actors!
(Footage of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker driving really fast)

The Fast Five! Coming to theaters full of teenagers and rednecks near you.

#2: Dwight Howard's "Handsy" Commercial

The NBA's newest playoff ad campaign is easily their worst of the past 5 years, featuring a talking basketball waxing poetic about big NBA moments. It's a bad idea from the get-go, but so far Dwight's contribution by far takes the cake. The talking ball describes how "handsy" Dwight is, and ends with this incredibly awkward anecdote..."sometimes I'm like WHOA Dwight, at least buy me dinner. Heh. I kill the other balls with that one."

To recap:
A boring montage of Dwight Howard grabbing rebounds: Check!
A concept that doesn't really work, and feels incredibly childish: Check!
Scrapping really good ad campaigns (like the "Where Amazing Happens" with the haunting piano music behind drama filled moments): Check!
Awkward, unspoken references to the male genitalia, as well as a vaguely homophobic comment: Check!

All this adds up to a number two ranking, only because number one is SO unspeakably bad.

#1: McDonalds Nickname Commercial

Ok, lets start with how implausible this whole awful spectacle is. The girl in this ad is annoying. Like, goosebumps annoying. If a girl ever called me Chipmunk, I would yell at her immediately. If a girl ever called me Wiggly, I would dump her on the spot, and I would not be kind about it. And if a girl ever called me Puggle Wuggles, I would consider hiring a man named Vito who dresses in a nice suit, drives a nice black car, and carries handguns to his job to "take care of her."

If you were a blind person, and you heard this ad on TV, you would assume that, since the guy is playing along with her little nickname game, she must be immortally hot. BUT SHE'S NOT! She's very homely, which would be fine, if she had a wonderful personality. But did I mention she called her boyfriend Puggle Wuggles in front of his friends? Clearly she is a horrific human being.

And finally, nobody considers themselves "smart" to eat at McDonald's. I'm not saying smart people don't eat there, but when you do, you certainly aren't thinking to yourself, "MAN I'm like freaking Einstein up in here."

Ugh. Just kill me.