I had this exchange with a coworker today at work, and felt like it should be shared, partially because every single part of it actually happened, and partially because I'm still so angry from it, I find my hands still shaking a little bit.
Coworker: How late do you work today?
Me: Seven. I'm going home to watch the Bulls/Heat!
Coworker: Go Bulls!
Me (knowing she doesn't really watch basketball much): Oh, you are a Bulls' fan? Who is their best player?
Coworker: Michael Jordan.
Me (slightly taken aback): Really? I mean...you realize he retired and left the Bulls for good in 1998, right?
Coworker: Well, whatever. I haven't watched a Bulls game since he left.
Me (quite taken aback): Really? You can't really call yourself Bulls' fan then, can you? I mean...even bandwagon fans like the Bulls this year. They have the MVP, for crying out loud. Derrick Rose? Ring any bells?
Coworker: Nope. Never heard of him.
Me: (Stunned silence)
Coworker: Basketball sucks anyway.
Me: (mostly joking) Whoaaa whoa whoa. Them's fighting words.
Coworker: It does! It's stupid, it's just a bunch of black guys bouncing a ball up and down the court.
Me: (Even more stunned silence)
Coworker: NASCAR, now THAT'S a real sport.
Me: (Spluttering incoherently) Wha...serious...but...
Coworker: Do you know how hard it is to sit in a car for 4 hours going 200 miles an hour?
Me: (finding my voice) Yeah, I go on vacation every year, and I spend upwards of 13 hours in a row in a car. It's uncomfortable, but it doesn't make NASCAR a sport...you don't even need to be in shape for it!
Coworker: Yes you do! I bet they are in better shape than most of those lazy black NBA players.
Me: (Stunned silence for several seconds) Have you ever seen Dwight Howard? Or any other NBA player?
Coworker: Mike Martin can benchpress 225!
Me: DWIGHT HOWARD BENCHPRESSES 330 FOR REPS!
Coworker: (Pauses) Do you stalk these guys or something?
Me: Do you stalk Mike Martin?
Coworker: (Ignoring this) Well, Dwight Howard is like twice the size of Mike Martin, I bet.
Me: Um. Yes. Because he's in much better shape than Mike Martin. Like every single other player in the NBA, with the possible exception of Glen Davis.
Me: Fuck this.
Aaaaand scene! Seriously, can we just take every NASCAR race, track and driver and stick them all in one state? That way, every crappy NASCAR fan would migrate there, and stop infiltrating intelligent conversations. Would anybody actually be against this?
***A note: I'm not actually against NASCAR fans. I'm against ignorant, racist, redneck NASCAR fans. If you enjoy NASCAR and don't fit into that category, we are cool. But you should really go out and convince all your fellow fans to jump off a cliff.